Nothing makes me crazier than seeing caregivers who use a nasty or impatient tone with those they are caring for. Regardless of how challenging the caregiving role can be, in my world being nasty, mean or condescending has no place in the caregiving journey. You need to leave your mean girl (or guy) at the door.
Having said that, I am completely aware that there have been times when my nerves were frazzled, I was at the end of my rope and I was less kind, less patient, and bordering on being nasty. It can happen to the best of us.
Admitting and being aware of this behavior and then doing everything we can to prevent a repeat performance, is really important and worth every bit of energy we put into it. Understanding what sets off this behavior is a good place to start to get it all under control.
The times I became a mean girl usually had everything to do with how I was taking care of me and almost never had anything to do with those I was caring for. I’m not saying I didn’t have times and days when I was completely overwhelmed and frustrated (especially when my Mom would shout at me, “go back to New York, I don’t want your help!”) I’m saying that how well I was able to deal with those days depended on how rested, calm, and centered I was when I faced them.
Self-care became extremely important
If I had allowed myself to get overwhelmed, exhausted, hungry, or resentful and my emotional bank account was running low I was asking for trouble and had a much harder time coping with everything around me. I needed to do everything I could to take care of myself so that I had less reason to reach that breaking point that turned me into Evilena.
I think learning to be aware of what I was feeling and going through was a great side effect of my caregiving journey. It kept me on my toes and make me take a long hard look at how I was acting and feeling and what measures I needed to take to stay balanced and as calm as I could be under the circumstances. It helped me realize the importance of self-care not only while I was in the role of a caregiver but in my everyday life. If I did everything I could to keep myself physically and emotionally stable and in tip-top shape, I was able to handle so much more, so much better.
Self-care is not a luxury, it’s a defense mechanism
So if you are needing to leave your inner mean girl at the door, take steps to care for your own well being even before you are concerned for the well being of others. Getting rest, eating healthy meals, exercise, prayer, meditation, and reaching out are not luxury activities, they are defense mechanisms. Make time for them. If you don’t make the time for radical self-care, you end up in an internal pressure cooker that explodes with everyone getting hurt. It’s so much easier to leave your mean girl at the door when she can’t fight you. Leave her defenseless by being the best you can be in any given situation. Self-love brings out the best in all of us.
Today I took my mother to the eye doctor which is always a challenge. It is difficult for the medical staff to accurately judge her tests because we don’t know if she can’t see the letters or can’t verbalize what she sees. But I try to encourage her along the way and let the staff know when it’s time to move on. At the end of the visit the doctor’s assistant complimented me on the way I treated my mom. She said you wouldn’t believe the irritable, impatient and mean ways caregivers treat their parents. It made my day! I am not always as patient as I want or should be but today was a good day.
I am so inspired by your love, generosity and grace. You are an amazing daughter and true Caregiver Warrior. I pray we can all be as kind and generous. It makes such a difference.