Due to my general make up and how I grew up, I pride myself on being very independent and self-reliant. For most of my life I preferred to be a lone cowgirl making sure everything I did was as close to perfect as I could make it. It was easier that way. If I could control everything and do it all my way, I believed the end result would always be what I wanted. It made me feel safer and less vulnerable to criticism.
When I began my caregiving journey I was confident I could handle my new role and everything that came with it completely on my own. I mean, how difficult could it be? It wasn’t long before I was overwhelmed, exhausted and frightened. There was so much to do, so much to learn, and I was responsible for the care and comfort of others. It was serious business and I was filled with self-doubt and worry.
Because I felt desperate and alone, I reached out to friends and family, initially, just to get relief and tell someone I was struggling. The immediate response I got was immediately helpful and reassuring. Not only did people listen to me and comfort me, I found advice and support all along the way. I began to talk weekly and even daily to friends who had been or were caregivers, sharing war stores, helpful hints and moral support. The effect of sharing my feelings and struggles with someone else was powerful and life changing.
It dawned on me that I wasn’t alone, crazy or a bad caregiver. I was human and struggling and needed help. Reaching out to share what I was going through turned into asking for and accepting other help and relief, letting people pitch in when and where they could. I ended up with an amazing team that really backed me up consistently, allowing me to take breaks, work a full time job, and take extraordinary care of my Mom and Dad.
Being aware of our vulnerabilities can be life changing
Sometimes as we deal with and care for the vulnerabilities of others we become aware of vulnerabilities in ourselves. Discovering and admitting that I had a habit of being a loner and thought of myself as weak or bad if I asked for help was an eye opener. I was forced to change, adapt and grow into someone smart enough to let others know I was drowning and needed help.
Learning to accept help was life-saving
The one thing I never expected as I cared for my Mom and Dad was to get care for myself. The experience of learning to give myself permission to reach out and get help was yet another gift I unexpectedly received as a result of caregiving. I was able to change lifelong habit of trying to do it all alone and being a perfectionist into self-acceptance, allowing me to live my life supported and comforted by those who love me. Yet another blessing of being a Caregiver Warrior.
I must be a unique person cause I am the A type, do it by myself but after almost 2 years I asked for help from siblings and while they agreed to help more often it was only when they check their schedule. They don’t understand in my opinion even though I’ve told them nicely, forcefully and meanly on separate occasions. I don’t ask anymore because it just makes me more angry because I’m on my moms schedule and that it. I guess most are lucky to have family or friends that get it but I don’t. My mom has been living with me for 2 years and thinks nothing is wrong. Kind of stuck here trying to figure out a plan. I’ve read countless articles, personal experiences and none seem to relate to my situation.
I think it’s great that you are trying to figure out a plan. Although my sister had my back emotionally, she lived pretty far away so I needed to find people who lived nearby. So I started working on putting together a team of my parent’s friends and getting any and all services that my parents were entitled to. It was a process. My Mom refused most of the care and benefits I tried to arrange in the beginning (for example someone from our church who would help do the cleaning) but with patience and gentle assistance I was able to install my helpers one by one. Getting help really saved my life even if it was just for an hour or so as I took care of things for me or got a break. Having other caregivers to talk to really helped me, too. You are doing a great job and I just know you will figure it all out. Just be kind to yourself along the way.