I was talking to some friends over the weekend who are caring for a loved one now in hospice. We talked about many things but kept circling around the state of constant worry they have been in since they started taking over her care.
My one friend turned to me with an astonished look on his face and told me he worried all the time. All the time. I replied that I completely understood and that I too, had always felt an undercurrent of worry when I cared for my loved ones that never went away. I felt it run like a tide under all the other emotions I was feeling on a daily basis. I was hyper-vigilant and ready for the other shoe to drop all the time.
While I don’t believe we can ever shake this constant state of worry that haunts us as we care for others, I have found that my attitude about how and why I worried was something I could control. If I let it all get to me and worried about worrying I was even more upset and nervous. I found a few actionable tools that take the edge off that nagging worry. They helped me at least become friends with that tide so I didn’t make it worse.
When we recognize our worry as a legitimate side effect of caring for those who need our help because they can’t care for themselves, we are acknowledging our condition as something that we are supposed to feel and are allowed to feel. It’s normal. We aren’t weak, or bad caregivers, or even bad people. There is nothing wrong with us. Of course, we should never run wild and obsess and worry ourselves sick, but we are in a situation that carries scary things around in it and quite often we experience upsetting and worrying things. It stands to reason our body and mind begins to anticipate new crisis or trauma. Our fear is there to protect us and much of what we go through as caregivers does feel like that lion is chasing us.
There were days I couldn’t eat or sleep because of my worry. I found, however, that when I told myself I had every reason to worry, that there was nothing wrong with me, and I would calm down and get through it as I always did I didn’t go down the rabbit hole of going over and over all the ways I should stop worrying and how bad I felt. I learned to accept my worry as part of my life and take care of myself to ensure that I didn’t make anything worse than it was.
Surrender
Which leads me to surrender. I beat myself up all the time and my constant worry condition was no exception. I felt like I had to fix my worry and never do it again. What was wrong with me that I was so worried? Giving up the impossible task of erasing my worry allowed me to go with the flow of it more. I gave myself a break and told myself my worry was normal and I should just surrender to it, doing my best to talk about it, understand it, and soothe by reminding myself it would go away at some point. There was absolutely nothing wrong with me I was just experiencing what generations of caregivers have felt before me. I was no exception. This stuff was hard and worry was part of my life. It was real but temporary.
Forgiveness
Finally, forgiveness. Forgiveness for this deck of cards I have been dealt and most importantly forgiveness for myself. I worried about worrying. I felt because I was worried all the time I had a screw loose, was a bad daughter or less capable than those around me who didn’t look worried. Nothing was further from the truth. I am capable, committed, compassionate and loving individual so concerned about the quality of someone else’s life that I was worried to death about it. Reaching out and hearing that everyone and I mean everyone I talked too was experiencing the same level of constant worry made me realize I was just feeling normal emotion. I needed to be as kind to myself as I was to my fellow caregivers when I saw that look of worry on their faces. Gentle, forgiving conversations with myself helped me navigate the waters of worry and helped me cope.
So in the long run, while it was never easy to be concerned all the time, accepting, surrendering and forgiving my state of worry made it feel less debilitating. I never liked it, but it stopped bringing me to my knees. I learned to move forward anyway and see the light at the end of the tunnel. When you are aware of that constant worry, take heart. You are not alone and it will not be with you forever.
I once realized that I was worrying about why I wasn’t *more* worried. How crazy is that?
Haha! Not crazy at all! I have done the same thing! Can you imagine? I finally had a moment of peace then thought I was doing something wrong because I wasn’t worried. Why do we beat ourselves up so much?
Thank you – Perfect article that I almost feel was written with me in mind. I can take worrying to new levels…I’m talented that way…and I go from zero to worst case scenario in 10 seconds or less which just amps my worries to even higher levels. I’ve been seeing a counselor for a little over a year, and she has me thinking in terms of mindfulness when I’m getting myself all wound up over the situation. I’m in the early days of caring for my husband who has idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis (a rare and fatal pulmonary disease with no cure) – he is still pretty capable of caring for himself at this point, but things are already different, changes and worries are in the forefront of my brain these days, and I wonder if I’ll be “enough” to do the job. I’ve been married to this beautiful man for 51 years and I wouldn’t consider doing anything else, or being anywhere but exactly where I am, but it sure is scary to consider what is coming up. I’ve been turning to your FB page and your blog more and more of late.
I do the exact same thing. I can go down the rabbit hole of worry so fast. I too have a therapist that is guiding me to coping with breathing and mindfulness and reminding myself I am enough I do enough I have enough. It’s my chant! I do believe in my heart that when we care and serve for others, there is no greater gift and when we show up and do our best no one could do it better. You are an angel walking on earth.
Thanks for this. It makes so much sense. A great help .
I’m so glad! I’m always amazed at how much worry can effect me. It’s the bane of my existence! So when things like this help me I want to share with everyone. It means so much that it helps a little.?