Knock Out The Judge!
I have witnessed first-hand how caregivers take themselves to an internal courtroom and proceed to put themselves on trial. They have a built-in judge and jury and consistently have themselves guilty of all sorts of crimes. I am guilty (ha!) of doing it myself. No one is harder on me that I am. My inner judge is a meanie and always available. No days off for her!
Weekends and holidays are great times for my judge to work. Obviously, there are a million reasons we do this but nonetheless it’s a dangerous and damaging habit. Anything we can do to help us break this awful habit is worth the try. As Caregiver Warriors, we have enough legitimate challenges without beating ourselves up in a courtroom in our head! I had to come up with some tricky tactics to get rid of the judge and plead not guilty. I am still my own worst critic but I’ m getting better. See if these help you knock out the judge.
1. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. We would never judge others the way we judge ourselves. When you start to have doubts or begin to second guess yourself and your actions, consider what you would say to your best friend if he or she were beating themselves up the way you are. You would probably try and soothe them, telling them they are being way too hard on themselves and they are doing such an amazing job! That’s the conversation you should be having with yourself!
2. Get feedback. Reach out for companionship and feedback from your network of family and friends that support you. If you don’t have a network get one! It’s important to have someone you can be honest with and get a reality check from. They will give you encouragement and an objective point of view that will help stop the self-criticism.
3. Make a list of things you accompanied today. Sit down and write a list of all the things you knocked off your to-do list and those things you did in service to others. Seeing the reality on paper of all the actual successes you have had can knock the judge right off the bench!
4. Talk to yourself. Tell yourself you love and approve of yourself. Praise your actions and congratulate yourself for everything you do. Say “good job”! You praise those around you, spread the love to yourself.
5. Let go and let God. Stop second-guessing your decisions. Tell yourself you are doing the best you can then let it go. You are doing everything with the right intentions so once it’s done or the decision is made go with it and let the universe take over. Everything happens for a reason.
6. Negotiate with yourself. Console yourself by acknowledging that this voice in your head is just something that crops up from time to time. It’s just something you start to do when you are bored or worried or anxious. I say something like “oh there I go again, I’m acting like the judge and trying to make myself feel bad for some ridiculous reason and I’m going to stop it right now”. Then try and change the subject. Try to think about that day on the beach when the sun was out, the breeze was cool and the water temperature was just right when you went swimming. See, the judge is quiet for a minute! Be kind to yourself! Self-compassion is a necessity, not a luxury. Caregivers are the most compassionate people in the world. Turn that white light of compassion on yourself and you will see that the darkness of self-criticism cannot survive in the light. Put that judge and jury to rest and appreciate the wonderful, special person you are.
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Let’s all be kind to ourselves!