I’m laying on a table getting an ultrasound of my ankle that I have sprained recently. I am in tears not only because it’s painful, but because apparently whenever I am in a doctor’s office or medical institution I get really teary. I warn whoever is working on me not to worry if they see me cry, that it’s just a reaction I always have. Then I sit or lay there silently with tears running down my face.
I don’t quite know why I cry. I can calm myself down and breathe but the tears still fall.
When I get like this in a hospital or medical environment I immediately think of my Dad and wonder yet again how he managed to go through so much physical pain and discomfort throughout all the medical procedures we put him through. The last few years of his life were filled with hospitals and doctors and he was such a trooper.
I marvel now how he survived his war wounds (he almost lost both of his legs from shrapnel exploding under his legs as he flew his plane during the Second World War), and then his open heart surgery at 87 which he chose to have so he could help take care of my Mom.
I think back now on all he endured in his life because of his love for others and his desire to serve them. I was by his side for his last medical journeys, and as I look back I am amazed how courageous, positive and grateful he was. He had so much grace, patience, and humor, and was a great patient. I truly believe he healed as well and as fast as he did because of his attitude and his gratitude.
During the caregiving journey with my Dad, we were able to connect in a way I never thought possible. We got to know each other deeply and really expressed how much we loved and appreciated one another. It was an honor to be his caregiver.
Perhaps that’s why I cry silently when I am in a medical facility or having a procedure. Maybe I miss him and am flooded with memories. Maybe I am touched once again by the realization of how brave he was and how he always had a smile for me and would reach out and pat me. Maybe I feel him pat me now and the warmth, tenderness, and love of that gesture makes me fill up and want to brim over. I feel him tell me it’s okay.
I have learned to be gentle with myself and let the tears fall. I have heard that with every tear comes a little healing.
My Dad left me with a tremendous legacy of courage, positivity and self-awareness.
May I be as good a patient as he was and if that comes with a few tears along the way that’s just fine by me.
May his power of example and generosity for those taking care of him show me the way on my journey.
May I always feel him by my side even as I miss his physical presence.
Thanks, Pop, for being you.
Well thank you for sharing this story, but it made me cry! I have the same problem, I cry at the drs office and at the hospital for no apparent reason. I cry when I am prepped for a procedure and I cry when I visit a loved in a hospital gown, even for just a colonoscopy. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that this might be the last time I see my loved one, or that I am sad they are having a medical procedure, or I’m just anxious and nervous, or hospitals represent sock people and possibly death? I am baffled by this, but would like to get to the root of my problem.
Crybaby, you are not alone. It’s guaranteed water works for me during any of the above! I always warn the doctors and nurses I’m going to weep but I’m ok so don’t worry! And I do believe we are ok. It’s just our way of dealing with highly scary and emotional situations. I do get embarrassed but not ashamed. I’m just letting off steam and feel like I’m allowed. It’s all so painful. Next time you are grabbing for the tissues think of me doing the exact same thing somewhere! We are in this together!
I was sick for the last two days for an unknown reason however the third day I woke up to a painful strong need to throw up and couldn’t. I was advised by a nurse the day before to go to the E.R and I decided to sleep because I felt ok going to sleep but the very next morning it was like clockwork I was in the bathroom with stomach pains. My mom made the decision for me the decision we were going to the hospital despite me telling her I was as feeling better . They drew blood gave me something for nausea and did an ultrasound on my stomach – in front of 6 people 😐. They said If I felt uncomfortable he’d ask them to leave . I cried silently thank God hey turned off the lights because that was my que to start crying I guess . It’s embarrassing for me because I used to be in the army fo 3 years as a helicopter fueler and it is frowned upon showing any other emotion other than anger or self control. Crying is and was always a sign of weakness in everyone’s eyes in the military, the silent battle that everyone faced daily I’m sure. I think the feeling that a stranger seemed to care more about me then I did about myself triggers me especially since they know nothing about me but they are willing to be of aid. I am a caregiver myself so I ask as little as possible from staff allowing them to attend to people who have actual emergencies. The crying comes from a place of deep emotional hurt and rememberance that I wasn’t allowed to cry for a lot of things and everyone told me to suck it up and it wasn’t so bad . Maybe they were right but I personally believe that everything that’s hurting you inside comes out one way or another in a hospital because the belief is that someone is there to help you better then you could help yourself.
Thank you, Babs for sharing this. I too feel like its a weakness to cry, and when strangers are kind to me it can really set me off and let me release everything I’ve been holding on to. You are a true caregiver warrior, and your story helps so many of us know its ok to let go. This sadness can come from a deep place, and we are allowed to cry. I thank you for your service, all you do as a caregiver, and for letting us all know that it’s brave to cry and be kind to ourselves. Much love.