I think I unconsciously operated in the state of denial for quite some time about my parents. Even though I moved through the process of taking care of them, there was a small part of me that hoped or prayed or even believed that everything was going to be ok and things would get back to the old “normal.”
Deep down inside I thought that my actions and will power alone could fix things and make it all better. I didn’t really really get that there were things that were permanently broken and my job was to go along for the ride and try and make my parents’ pain-free, safe and comfortable one day at a time. I thought I was being realistic and had appropriate expectations but the truth is part of me wasn’t recognizing or accepting the situation.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew all our roles were different and I was showing up and taking care of people who now needed my help to get through their days but somewhere I keep thinking it was just a temporary glitch.
The reality would hit me in different stages and at different times. One of the first times reality sunk in was when my mom really couldn’t understand the monthly bills and writing of the checks for them. Here was a woman who had managed the books for my family as long as I could remember.
She was so resistant to my taking over the responsibility and gave me a really hard time about it until one day she got so confused she just told me she would do it later and walked away. I pretended to put the bills away until she was in the other room distracted by the TV where I could see her and then completed writing the checks.
Fortunately, my Dad could sign the checks and I was able to signal to him to come and sign them. As I was sealing the envelopes I felt the sadness and scary feeling that I would experience many times when I was forced to accept the fact that things were never going to be the same. The reality that my mom was failing had hit home.
I actually wished for the proud fight she would give me instead of her obvious surrender to the state of confusion that she was in more and more.
This and all the doses of reality I experienced deeply affected me and I would get sad, scared, angry and almost always depressed for quite a few days after. There was nothing to do to soothe these feelings and only time and radical self-care would help.
I was talking with a Caregiver Warrior friend recently that has the same sort of reality check about her sister. She said she was trying everything she could do to make herself feel better after realizing how sick her sister was but nothing was working. I agreed completely that sadness and helplessness can just hang over you when reality comes knocking on the door.
Being aware that this is one of the many processes you must experience and allowing yourself the grief and sadness associated with it is key. There’s really no quick fix and no simple solution. I’m here to tell you, however, that you are not alone and this discomfort will ease in time.
All Caregiver Warriors will experience this sadness associated with a reality wake up call and sharing your feelings with someone who understands will ease the discomfort of having to sit with these feelings as you adjust.
The silver lining for me was that it forced and enabled me to think about and strategize the next right steps I needed to take to adjust the care my parents were getting as they needed extra help. Although sad and sometimes scary, reality sinking in often gave me a new understanding of the next level of Caregiving they needed.
I always say there are so many gifts we receive during this journey. Sometimes they come wrapped in unpleasant trimmings but they are gifts nevertheless.
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