I have a dear friend who just found out her dad collapsed at a restaurant and had to be rushed to the hospital where they performed heart procedures. He will be in ICU for a few days. Her mom has dementia. Luckily, they have an aide that will stay with her mom at night and her brother is available to stay with her mom during the day. My friend has been diligently working to be one step ahead of her parents needs and health care concerns so when this crisis hit it all went as smoothly as possible given the circumstances.
We all wait for the next shoe to drop.
Nevertheless, the constant worry about the unknown and the waiting for the next shoe to drop feeling still haunts her as it did me when I was going through the same situation with my mom and dad. I remember being so sick to my stomach and unnerved the entire time my parents were going through a medical emergency or new development.
I would take on the blame.
I constantly questioned myself and my ability to take care of the situation and my parents. The chatter in my head on a daily basis was telling me I wasn’t doing the right thing; I wouldn’t be able to fix this, and the absolute worst-case scenario was about to happen.
I felt guilty if I wasn’t right there when the crisis occurred and guilty the whole time I was waiting for the results.
Showing up is more than half the battle.
The absolute truth of the matter was that I really had no control over the situation and that the universe and my parents had a plan which would be carried out no matter what I did. All I could do was show up and do my best.
Beating myself up, taking the blame for the situation and second-guessing myself made all of it so much worse and was in fact really detrimental to my health and well-being. All that self-criticism was a lie and it was getting in the way of my own self-care and the care of my loved ones.
Put the mask on first.
It became critical during these circumstances that I stop beating myself up and try instead, to be aware of what I needed to feel better. I would tell myself I was doing a great job and would listen to my friends and family when they told me the same thing. I had to watch what I ate (sugar is not your friend at times like these) and make sure I was rested and stay hydrated. I would try and remember that in case of emergency when flying, we must always put your oxygen mask on first. How can you help someone else if you can’t breathe?
I have heard the acronym for GOD is good orderly direction. I had to remind myself constantly that as long as I practiced good orderly direction by tackling one task and decision at a time to the best of my ability everything would work out and that powers greater than myself would take care of the rest. I could find moments of serenity when I got back to the basics of taking care of myself first, then my parents.
Be in top form by taking care of yourself.
Going through a medical crisis is never easy. It’s painful and frightening. But the only way to get over anything is to go through it. Make sure you are in top form to cope with the challenges a medical crisis can bring. You are the advocate and guardian and need to be strong, healthy and calm to support those you care for. You are empowered when you are calm and centered. So the best way to handle a health crisis is to be your healthiest self, physically, mentally and spiritually. This won’t make the crisis less scary or upsetting, but it will make it bearable and less traumatizing.
Thank you Sue. This post is so timely for me this week and boy it’s like you wrote this just for me on Febuary 10th. At 3am last Monday, Febuary10th I experienced one hell of a medical emergency with my 98 year old mother. Her heart just stopped after, with the help of a great ambulance crew, we had gotten her to the hospital. I was confronted with the ultimate question by the medical team. What to do? They gave me all the downside information which I have heard many times before from doctors. But then it was a theoretical question. This time it was real and there was no time for hesitation. I told them to do it, to save her if they could and they did. Miraculously they
were able to revive her, but now what? I told them no machines. They told me without it, she would probably not survive. I said no, just get me a heart doc in here which they did. The cardiac surgeon was great. He was so supportive in my decision making. He implanted a pace-maker which for a week now has been maintaining a steady heart rate in my mother and for an entire week I feel like I have been holding my breadth. I hope that I made the right decision for my mother. I think that I did. She is still so interested in living. I don’t think that she was ready yet. I think that I could react as I did because we had always discussed the possibility of this thing happening. So I think that I automatically knew what to do without thinking, because it’s hard to think when someone you love is dying in front of you. You have to have a plan. I don’t think we had a plan per se, but we had an “understanding” between us. I have been worried about Mom’s mental capacity but so far she seems pretty much intact – just some short term memory issues which I hope will improve with pain management. I guess my point is as a caregiver, you have to be prepared to act without over thinking it too much because there is’nt time. I have had a couple people question my decision with comments like “all you have done is to make her go through it all again.” But I know that Mom wants to live.Those comments are tough, but I think I made the right decision for Mom. I hope so.
I have to thank you Sue and I have to tell you why. There is a synchronocity in the universe that I think is at play here, or that God is sending me exactly the message that I need today through you. It is 7am on Monday Feb. 18th. Exactly one week ago this morning I was in the hospital emergency room with my 98 year old mother who had suddenly gone into heart failure. In the wee hours of February 10th. Check out the date of your blog entry. After getting her to the hospital in time, my mother’s heart just stopped. She was dying before my eyes and the medical staff were asking me what did we want to do? I don’t know why or where it came from, but I automatically told them to save her. They seemed to be trying to talk me out of it saying that it probably would not work and that once on a respirator she probably would not recover and would need to stay on it. I was not having any of it. I told them to just do it and they did and it worked “without” a respirator. I somehow just knew it would because I knew she was not ready to let go of life yet. I just somehow knew it.I guess my point is that your blog entry on that same day is right on the mark in trying to prepare yourself for such a situation. For the last couple of years I have struggled with thoughts of “what if” the worst happens and then last week it did. But the thing is that you are right. Being able to deal with it calmly is so important.And to be calm you have to sort of get use to the idea that eventually it will ,so you have to be mentally and emotionally prepared for it even when the thought breaks your heart. Is amazing that you were writing about this at the eact moment that I was dealing with it. So as I read your post this morning purely inadvertently , I just had to let you know. Mom has been recuperating all week after having surgery to place a pacemaker which so far seems to working well. So thank you for what seems to have been a message just for me.
Wow! Well you know I do believe in the synchronicity of the universe and making decisions based on love and instinct. I’m so sorry you have gone through this with Mom because it’s so frightening and heartbreaking. I too had to go through similar things and I know how hard it is. You Are dealing with all of this with so much grace. By listening to your heart, staying calm and open you have done such an amazing service to your Mom. I’m sending so much love to both of you.
This blog truly depicts the caregiver warrior personality. The ways to handle medical crisis mentioned here are life saving and should be incorporated by everyone in their life.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Manuel. It sounds like you too are a caregiver warrior and have been through this experience. We all take different paths but are on the same journey. I always hope and pray that by sharing what I learned on my path I can help another caregiver as they travel theirs.