I had a really hard time with my anger and frustration at the beginning of my caregiving journey. I want to say right here and now that frustration and anger are normal responses in the caregiving world. Everyone I know or talk to experiences both anger and frustration and we must never, ever beat ourselves up because we are feeling these feelings. Instead, we need to learn how to adjust the caregiving we give to ourselves so that we can display these emotions in a healthy way and avoid outbursts and inappropriate behavior towards our loved ones and ourselves. We must be kind and accepting of ourselves because caregiving is an extraordinary experience and can trigger a multitude of emotional responses.
My mom had dementia and she had a very hard time accepting her ailment and my help. She could get angry and understandably agitated and she knew how to push my buttons. Since she was ticked off that she needed any kind of help I was often target practice. Dementia can bring on anger and rage and it’s my personal opinion that anyone with dementia has every reason to be angry. It must be excruciating to have this condition.
Sadly, my survival and default mode when confronted with anger or nastiness is to be angry back and get in your face. I developed my style in childhood. Some children shrink and go into themselves or try and hide away but I ended up as feisty as my mom. We had a “one-up on you” kind of relationship, especially in my teenage years. I can really come back at you when confronted.
I had a lot of personality adjustments to make when I began caregiving. As Caregiver Warriors we experience extreme pressure and overwhelming responsibility. This can be a drain on our physical, financial, psychological, and spiritual resources and we can become emotionally bankrupt and exhausted in body, mind, and spirit. Even the sweetest and kindest Caregiver Warriors aren’t always able to properly process anger and frustration when exhausted beyond belief. We can get in trouble really quickly and act out our frustration. Before you know it, our voices are raised or we’re being snarky and snarly and not nice to be around. The effect of this on those we are caring for can be hurtful and devastating. It can make them more agitated.
I found when I was exhausted and hungry and my stress levels were off the charts, I was not a happy camper to be around and this was not the best space to be in as a caregiver. I wanted to avoid making or having a scene or losing my temper. So I had to watch myself and make sure I took my emotional temperature daily to see how I was doing and feeling. I love using the tool of saying HALT to myself. I would ask myself “Am I Hungry (H) angry (A) lonely (L) or tired (T)?” If so, an immediate break had to be taken so I could adjust any of the above. If hungry I would eat, if angry I would do whatever I needed to do to calm down and let the steam off in a healthy way if I was lonely and scared I would make a call to someone on my support list and finally if I was tired I would close my eyes for a bit or sit down and relax or maybe meditate for a few minutes.
With all of the above, I would sit and take some deep breaths. I could only use this tool if I was aware I needed it. I can’t stress enough how important it is for us to be aware of how we are feeling. It’s truly important to slow down and pay attention to what I’m feeling emotionally and physically. I want to avoid feeling like my head is going to explode. There really is a build-up of emotion and stress and you can nip this stuff in the bud if you pay attention to your thoughts and body. It’s actually worth stopping at regular intervals during the day and ask yourself “How am I right now? How do I feel? Self, are you feeling ok?”
You probably ask those you are taking care of multiple times a day how they are doing. I am asking you to take the time and ask yourself how YOU are doing. Then take the HALT test. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired? Stop and work on any area you say yes to. This can help you manage the understandable frustration and anger feelings you have and give yourself a fighting chance against those feelings taking over and making you uncomfortable. Take your emotional temperature now. It’s preventative medicine and it can save a lot of heartache. Do it! You deserve it!
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