I grew up with my Mom handling all of the finances in our home. She ruled the bank accounts with an iron fist and in hindsight did an amazing job keeping us all looking like a million bucks even though times were not always the best financially. Together with my Dad, who was always doing everything he could to bring home a buck, they kept a roof over our heads, food on our table, and blessed us with a good education. I look back now in deep appreciation at the fact that even though it was used, I had a car for college, and when I totaled that one (not my fault I swear) they delivered yet another used “cream puff” to me at school with love.
When I went to take over my parents’ finances, all hell broke loose!
I know none of it was easy and I know my Mom was constantly working and re-working the books to make it all work. She took great pride in managing the household and our lives.
When it became time for me to take over the checkbook all hell broke loose. Even though it was so sadly obvious that my Mom could no longer manage the bank account or even the numbers, she was appalled that I tried to offer my services! I would literally start shaking when I saw her approaching me when I was sitting at the dining room table paying bills. I tried to sneak it, I cajoled her, I pretended she could do it with me. I tried everything I could to make it easier on all of us, but she was not happy about it and insisted she did not need my help! During the initial stages of taking over, however, I found it helped if I tread lightly, had the patience, and tried to be compassionate. I came up with a few tactics that might help you manage this volatile situation.
1. Be respectful
If you now have to take over someone’s finances, obviously there is a need and you are just trying to make sure everything gets paid and your loved ones are protected. However as painful as this is for you, usually this is devastating beyond measure for the ones who need to relinquish this area of their lives. Loss of control over our financial well being is a powerful blow that signals a loss of control over everything. Life is ending as we know it. Realizing that this is so painful and frightening for them is extremely important. We must treat this transition with respect and do our best to treat them with dignity and courtesy. Ask for their help, tell them they taught you everything you know and you’ll get their approval for everything because they know best. Mean what you say. Try to include them unless they become despondent or agitated.
2. Take it slow
Usually, there are warning signs that there is an issue with handling financial responsibilities. Hopefully, you are waiting for signs and when they appear you can begin to ease into “helping” them with things like paying the bills. If you hit a wall of resistance, try going slow by backing off before things get really heated and trying again later in the day or the day after. Avoid being demanding and insistent if possible. Consistency and gentleness are truly important until they feel comfortable either working with you or letting you manage their affairs. This may never become easy, but being gentle and patient works so much better than anger, frustration, or insistence. Take it easy, you’ll get there.
3. Don’t get discouraged
It’s so easy to become frustrated and frightened around this. It can feel like they will never give up control, that this will be the death of your relationship and the world will come to an end. It won’t. It always works out and you will always figure out the next right thing to do. Stay steady, calm, and patient both with them and yourself. You just need to get into a rhythm around it. It always falls into place somehow.
Empathy played a part in helping me see how my Mom felt.
My Mom eventually lost all interest in managing the household finances. I would tell her it was time to pay the bills and she would say she would do it later. I would say OK and when she went into the other room to watch her cowboy movies I would sit at the table and quietly knock them out. It was my least favorite time and one of the worst chores I had to do. I always waited for the backlash but once we got into this pattern, we never looked back. Part of me wished she would fight me about it still. Her resignation was heartbreaking at times.
I’m glad I was patient and didn’t take her outrage personally. We both meant well, but she had so much more to lose than I did. I believe in her heart she knew I was just trying to help. Using empathy instead of force helped both of us get used to something neither of us liked. In the end, it all worked out.
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