How to Cope with Pre Grief

When I was taking care of my parents, I was usually focused on doing everything I could to make them feel better and healthier. Part of me lived in denial about the seriousness of their illnesses which inspired me to see them getting better, not worse. Another part of me worried all the time about what would and could happen. Then yet another part of me was deeply sad and grieving. I was grieving many things including the loss of my old normal life before being a caregiver, but the true source of my grief was focused on the upcoming loss in my life when they were gone. 

I wasn’t always aware of this grief and didn’t question why I was so sad. Fortunately, one of the gifts I received as a caregiver was self-awareness and as I begin to look at my grief and sadness I realized I was already in a state of mourning. 

I’ve come to understand that this pre grief is normal and occurs quite frequently for caregivers. I’d like to share a few things I used to understand and soothe this state of mind.

1. Don’t do it alone.

It’s extremely important that you share your grief and fear and not keep it bottled up inside. Speaking with a counselor or spiritual advisor or finding a support group is truly helpful to release these complicated and painful feelings. Don’t isolate and try to tackle these feelings alone. Get the support you need and deserve. I had a therapist, fellow caregivers and family to speak to and did so often.

2. Know this is normal

Pre grief is extremely common and normal. Although it may seem unusual, it isn’t. By accepting and acknowledging that this grief and sadness is completely understandable, you won’t have the need to beat yourself up by telling yourself what you are feeling is silly or ridiculous. Most caregivers agree that the heaviness and fear associated with thoughts of losing someone are most certainly real. You are not alone.

3. Radical self-care

As with all things related to caregiving, self-care is the secret sauce to healing and surviving and thriving. When we are rested, calm, socializing with like-minded and trustworthy friends and family, eating well, exercising and have some sort of spiritual practice, we giving ourselves a jump start on coping. The pain and sadness may sit with us but it doesn’t become overwhelming or unmanageable. Kindness and compassion for ourselves as we experience these unsettling emotions allows us to break free of any stigma or shame we might otherwise attach to them.

I am sorry for your loss now and in the future. I know how scary and excruciating losing those we love can be. I thought of losing my Dad recently and the word I came up with to describe how I felt was shattered. I am blessed that I was aware of my pre grief and allowed it to help me appreciate every precious moment I had with both my parents. It was painful to live with but forced me to be in the moment. For this, I am forever grateful.