So many of us end up caring for people who have hurt or injured us. We do it after considerable thought, making a big decision that it’s more important to care for that person than to allow the feelings about the injury stop us caring for them.
We are then faced with the dilemma of what to do with those feelings. If we still hold anger or resentment, the interaction with those we care for it can be pretty uncomfortable making the caregiving so much harder.
In my case, it wasn’t just one instance or two but a lifetime of arguments and not getting along with my Mom. She could set me off the minute I was near her. I carried a lifetime of anger, resentment, and fear with me when I began my caregiving journey with her.
I knew I had to forgive her, not for her sake but for mine. She would still trigger me, but forgiveness was the magic weapon against all this toxic resentment and fear I harbored. So I began a slow and painful process of forgiveness. Spoiler alert, I got there eventually. When my Mom passed we were both at peace. Here’s what helped me.
1. Acceptance
I began to accept my Mom for who she was and the effect she had on me. What happened, happened. Going over and over our arguments and things that were said and things that happened did me no good. It was what it was and it was in the past. I tried to let it all go as much as I could. Holding on was hurting me even more.
2. What was my part?
I added self-awareness to my mix. I began to look at my part in our turbulent relationship. What had triggered me? What could I learn from our confrontations? Is it possible I was taking too much personally when I fact some of it wasn’t about me at all? This began to force me to see that I could control how I let her injury affect me. I couldn’t control her behavior but I could control my response to it.
3. Empathy
As my Mom got sicker, it was easier to see her as sick and suffering and her acting out and anger as something she was using to express pain and hurt. It didn’t necessarily have anything to do with me at all. She had anxiety all her life and had probably been trying to get relief from it by transferring her fear and anger to someone else. It didn’t excuse her behavior or make it any less painful but when I was able to feel sorry that she was suffering, I was able to forgive her a little and be more understanding.
4. Patience
Making a decision to forgive my Mom was the first step. The actual forgiveness was a process and took quite a bit of time. It was immediate or easy. Yet once I started the process, I became more compassionate and softer which made the present encounters more and more pleasant as time passed.
Remember, just because you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean you have to trust them or expect them to change. We forgive for us and our well being. Forgiveness can’t change the person we forgive. It changes how we feel about them. Which is always more loving once the forgiveness takes over our hearts.
My mom was always a gentle soul but with her progressing dementia occasionally has episodes where she tries to punch. Luckily it rarely is directed at me. When she starts to get agitated I give her a neck massage and this often calms her down. I try to remember that she cannot express herself in the same ways and must be frightened and confused.
Thank you not only for all
you do but reminding us that empathy and understanding for how our loved ones may be feeling is crucial to being able to soothe and forgive them. Such love to so inspirational!