That’s it. That’s my main message. It’s ok and be kind to yourself. I spend a lot of time writing, blogging, speaking, and podcasting this simple message. I say it hundreds of different ways but it’s all boiled down to this: No matter what you are feeling about anything, it’s ok and just be kind to yourself about it.
These are straightforward instructions that are close to impossible to heed. Even as I hear them come out of my mouth every day, I struggle to remember or practice them. My big feelings never feel ok and being kind to myself is an absolute struggle on a daily basis.
Big feelings are difficult to feel and understand.
Listen, I get it. When we are swimming with sharks it’s hard to see the shore. And when we are exhausted and scared it’s hard to tell ourselves it’s ok. And when we make mistakes or we are trying to fix everything we tend to beat ourselves up and not be kind to ourselves.
Thank goodness I signed up for caring for my parents when I did. Caregiving was my wake-up call. I had to learn to navigate my big feelings because the lives of those I cared for demanded I be a better me and a better caregiver. I had to find new ways to cope with what I was feeling so I could be present for what they were feeling. It was during my caregiving journey that I began to see the importance of understanding that no matter what I was feeling or the outcome, it was ok and I needed to be kind to myself.
For most of my life, I hid, stuffed, and tried to get rid of my feelings. Especially the big ones. They are SO uncomfortable. I always wanted them to go away as quickly as possible. It was a blueprint for disaster. I would do all sorts of things to make myself instantly feel better and never resolve what was going on. There is no quick fix to big feelings. We call them big for a reason. It takes time and effort to get around them.
Sitting with our feelings is a huge challenge.
I often have to wait around while the big feelings crash around in my head and heart and freak me out and scare me. Sometimes they make me feel extremely sad and hopeless and no matter how hard I try, I can’t shake them off. Yet I’ve learned to stick with them, believing my soul will rebound and work hard to make whatever repair is necessary. I try to remember that the sun will come up tomorrow and that everything’s ok.
As for being kind to myself, I am a work in progress. Self-kindness is something I’m getting better at but it’s not my usual go-to. I have to work hard at it. The critic in my head feels like the factory preset that constantly needs resetting. The results are often touch and go and I find it difficult but I’m slowly but surely getting used to knowing what being kind to myself feels like. It’s like being my own best friend who is reassuring me that I’m doing a great job, I’m special and wonderful. I’m working on everything as fast as I can and no one deserves a break more than me.
Big feelings go with the territory.
So the next time you are in the thick of some big scary, painful feeling, please remember it’s ok to be in it and be so very kind to yourself. This is the recipe for treading water until you can see the shore and find safety, relief, and rest. Caregiving is hard. You are going to have big reactions to it and huge waves of emotions wash over you. But you are allowed to have those big feelings and you will learn to sit with them and work through them. It’s healthy and good to seek help to go through this process, and it’s a perfect opportunity to learn what being kind to yourself feels like. You are a kindness machine, so spend some of that kindness on you.
If you liked this blog, you’ll love this one too!
Dear Caregiver Warriors,
As one Caregiver Warrior to another, I offer advice, helpful tips, and strategies based on the experience, strength, and hope I found while surviving my own caregiving journey. It has become my mission to share my stories and the things I learned about being an empowered caregiver. To help spread the word and offer guidance to other caregivers, I have written a new book entitled “Self Care for Caregivers: a practical guide to caring for you while you care for your loved one.” It’s available at your favorite bookstore. There is even a audio version so you can listen on the go! If you find the book everything you hoped for, please let me know and please leave a review where you purchased the book! Your feedback means the world to me!
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