A fellow caregiver warrior recently brought something to my attention. She was taking care of her sister and with all good intensions, began straightening and organizing her sister’s house. She wanted her sister to feel better and be able to get around her house with more ease and comfort and just assumed that if she put things back where they belonged and cleared off spaces that could be used more efficiently it would be such a relief.
What she didn’t bargain for was that there was apparently a system to the chaos and her sister was not that happy with things being moved around and organized. My friend said she learned the very important lesson that her sense of efficiently and organization was not necessarily the same as her sister’s and her sister didn’t really want her moving and changing things around. Sometimes when we do things we think are helpful we find out that the opposite is true. Those we care for don’t necessarily like or appreciate the same things we do and want control over their space no matter how cluttered or chaotic it may appear to us.
I found the same to be true with my parents. I would want to swoop in on them and their apartment and clean and organize and set things up the way I thought they should be. Having everything clean and neat and everything in it’s place makes me feel better especially if I am not feeling well.
My mom made me feel like this was an invasion! It made her more agitated when I rushed in with my determined energy moving things around and disturbing the space around her. It was so hard for me to back off and ignore what appeared to me to be clutter and chaos around the house. I had to be more conscious and respectful of the way she needed her things around her.
I tried to see things differently. I called my parents apartment the land of crumbs and tissues. It was amazing how the tissues and crumbs could pile up all over every room in the house! I told myself to be grateful they were eating all the food I bought and that the grocery store had enough tissues to supply their habit. I cleaned up the crumbs and tissues when they were not in the room and tried to leave most of the stuff they had around where it was. I would dust when they were not looking and put everything back. I tried to make any changes small and if I put clothes or things away I was sure to put them back in established places. If I wanted to go through junk mail or magazines we would do it together and I would make it a fun time. When it came to the heavier cleaning or laundry I would wait until they were napping or engaged in other activities.
If my Mom told me I didn’t have to do strighten or clean, I tried not to take it personally and instead, I would say with a smile that I know it could wait but I needed something to do (ha!) and this would be easy and just take a minute. It didn’t always work but eventually we got into a rhythm and found a balance between respect for their need to keep things the same and my need to clean and reorganize everything.
I learned once again it’s not about my way or the highway, it’s about what works for all concerned. Even if my intensions are good it’s wasn’t fair to impose my sense of order on my parents, especially on my Mom since she had Dementia. By adapting to the situation and letting go of my need to control everything I came up with ways to keep their home presentable and clean in addition to being a place they found familiar and safe.
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