I believe there is a superhero Caregiver dilemma all Caregiver Warriors face. So many of us become superwoman or superman caregivers, leaping tall buildings and anything else in our paths to take care of those we love. We show great courage and strength when it comes to others. However, when faced with self-love and self-care we sadly miss the mark.
I was reminded today of the time right after my Dad died when my Mom had to be hospitalized. She had been diagnosed with Dementia years before and the ravages of the disease coupled with grief at his passing hit her like a ton of bricks and her little body just couldn’t take it. She was rushed to ER in an ambulance.
I was broken hearted from burying my Dad and worried sick about my Mom. It was such a painful, excruciating time. Sadly, as it turned out, my Mom never came home from the hospital and she died from a broken heart 7 weeks later.
My sister and I were then confronted with emptying my parents’ apartment of their worldly possessions. We were on a time crunch because their senior apartment building informed us we had to vacate the following month. I negotiated a bit more time but we had to buckle down and get the job down. Although it was the best worst time ever because my sister and I are so close and we wept and laughed together, I look back now and ask myself how did I do all of that?!
Like most caregivers, I had simply moved forward and gotten the job done regardless of the pain I was in personally. I never thought about it or hesitated at all during all the sickness, death, and arrangements. It all seemed part of the process and I never questioned it or my ability to handle it.
I thought I could return to normal.
The dilemma that I got stuck in was the after effects I faced physically and emotionally. I actually thought because it was all said and done that I could return to normal and bounce back immediately. It was expected of me. After all, everything was taken care of, my parents were at peace, and everyone was appreciative of the extraordinary tribute we had paid to them. I had done all the right things expected of a strong, dutiful, selfless daughter and caregiver. Everything was as fine as it could be in the circumstances.
But I wasn’t fine. I was frightened, exhausted beyond belief, in shock, confused, guilty, horrifically sad and numb all at the same time. And worst of all, part of me kept questioning why I was so out of it and couldn’t recover fast enough. Because I had acted and performed like a superhero caregiver, I felt I wasn’t allowed to break down and recuperate from the physical and emotional demands I had faced.
Why do we do that to ourselves? Why is it so hard to give ourselves the break we give to others? Why do we put such pressure on ourselves? Yes, we do act like superheroes sometimes but even superheroes take vacations or pause for a moment to breathe, heal and rest up before the world demands their attention again. And I’m sure they don’t beat themselves up for taking care of their minds, bodies, and hearts.
I finally took the time I needed.
It took the love and support of those around me to get me right sized. Friends, family, social workers, and a bereavement group helped me see I needed to take the time to piece myself back together. I began to give myself the permission to grieve, re-group, re-build and feel my feelings. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t overnight but I took the time I deserved, and eventually, I was back on my feet.
Don’t get caught up in this dilemma. No matter what feat you have just performed, big or small, don’t let that bad roommate in your head tell you that you are not allowed to pause and heal. It was only when I shut out all the shoulds in my head and took the time to give myself the space to mourn and heal that I was a real superhero; the hero I could be to myself.
Promise me that as you put on your cape and turn to fly off into your caregiving role you will remember that although you are a hero in every way and a warrior in the true sense of the word, you must be kind and nurturing to yourself. You will get it all done and you got this. But never question or underestimate the repercussions. Take the time, the energy and the space to re-grow your wings.
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