I read a beautiful article this morning written by a mother with an adult child who has autism. She admitted she had expectations and beliefs about her child and his abilities. These expectations and beliefs were suddenly challenged when her son wrote his own annual goal report. He basically said he would be happy to continue doing all the things he loved and had mastered. He would like to continue to enjoy the life he had.
Expectations are rarely fair.
The mom was touched by her son’s ability to articulate such a profound concept: that life lived and enjoyed for exactly what it was doesn’t get any better. Such a brilliant goal and so simple. One so few of us can actually appreciate and fulfill, let alone get in touch with. She felt her son taught her an amazing lesson. He had grown and become wise beyond her expectations.
The inspiring story got me thinking about expectations. The ones we have for ourselves, the ones we have for those we love, the ones we have for those we take care of. Expectations are dangerous things, I think. They let us assume things that quite often are not true and set us up not only for disappointment but also for missed opportunities and loss.
My Mom was always challenging my expectations.
My Mom, who was diagnosed with Dementia surprised me all the time and eventually taught me that expectations high or low were a waste of time. I guiltily realized I would write her off by not thinking she would understand or care about something. She would prove me wrong again and again. Sometimes angrily, and rightfully so!
On the other hand, by not fully embracing how much her disease was affecting her, I could grow impatient and frustrated when something I planned or thought I needed to do became overwhelming or uncomfortable for her. I was actually taken aback or surprised sometimes by her fear or distress. I never meant to upset her, but I had expected her to be able to go along with my program when in fact it was too much. When my expectations were too high they were unfair and upsetting to both of us.
I think the wiser thing to do would be to take life as it is and people the way they are. We should on what is, as opposed to what we want. Instead of assuming, projecting and worrying, let’s keep our attention on what’s happening here and now, staying open and receptive to what’s happening as it happens.
We have so much less to lose if we don’t put expectations on anyone and anything. I’m going to try to move through my life with less concern for what I expect, and more joy for what I actually have. I think I’ll be so much more contented.
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