I was the main caregiver for my parents, but I didn’t do it alone. If it were not for my sister, I wouldn’t have been able to do it at all.
I’m one of the lucky ones. I have a sibling who helped me be the Caregiver Warrior I needed to be by supporting me, loving me unconditionally, and always being there for me and my parents. As I know this is so often not the case, I wanted to take the time and thank her and all the family members and siblings who navigate their relationship with the main caregiver in such a gracious, loving, and healthy way.
It is not an easy accomplishment. It takes courage, acceptance, and trust to pull it off. I know how worried I was about parents and I was doing everything I could to control every aspect of their lives to overcompensate for it. With my personality, I cannot imagine being able to hand the reigns over to someone else and go with the flow. Could I have sat with someone’s honest mistakes, sometimes overbearing, controlling behavior, and be so understanding? I don’t think so!
Yet that is what my Sister did repeatedly. To say she trusted me to be on the frontline is an understatement. Although we made every decision together, she never failed to say “hey whatever you think!”. She gave me permission to fail while letting me know she always believed in me and that it would never be my fault if something went wrong. What an extraordinary gift.
One of the secrets to our success other than her devotion to me and my parents was our constant communication. We discussed everything. We laughed and cried and shared it all. I sadly lost our series of texts during that time due to a phone change which is truly a shame because it would read like an amazing, funny, intense, juicy novel. She would constantly tell me, “please, let know what I can do?”, ask me “do you need me to help you with anything?” and say over and over again, “I’m not helping you enough, should I fly in?” To which I would reply, “you are right there for me always and that is all I need for now. There will come a day when I will call you and tell you I need you by my side and you will be there.”
And that day came. My Dad was admitted into the hospital with the infection that would eventually kill him, and I could not get to the hospital until the next day. I called her and she was on the next plane and by his side by nightfall. She then proceeded to become Supergirl to my Wonder Woman and together we cared for him until he decided he was too tired to go on. We supported each other through the heartbreak of telling him it was ok to let go and held each other up when he did.
So, thank you, dear sister. I tell you this again and again because I know that somewhere in your head you still don’t think you did enough. I hope you hear me in your heart where I know the truth lies. That you did more than anyone and you are braver than I. I love you to the moon and back.
Let those who stand in the wings feeding you your lines and letting you take the curtain call know how you could never do it without them. Tell them often how grateful you are and how much their trust makes it all possible. They deserve to know.
You are truly blessed to have had a sister by your side!!
My sister did the opposite. I was undergoing cancer treatment when my mom was dying. I didn’t want my mom to know I had cancer because my younger brother died of cancer approx 2 years earlier and my parents were devastated. My brother died, my dad and now my mom was dying. I was dying inside but I put up a hard fight. I got my mom into Hospice for the last month of her life. I was undergoing cancer treatment, working to support myself and treatment costs……and was at Hospice every night and at times during the day/evening when I wasn’t working. I also had mom’s dog…another responsibility. The dog was sick and I ensured he was well taken care of including his medical bills. He didn’t want to leave my side…his eyes were always on me. My sister was the only family member I told about my journey, surgery, chemo and radiation. I figured if everyone knew my mom would find out. I told my sister because the hospital required that someone accompany me for my first treatment. I didn’t want to burden my mom with something she could do nothing about. I went for the majority of my treatments alone. My personal hairdresser cut my hair at her in home salon and styled my wigs before I lost my hair. I became a master of disguise. Friends at times would say I looked sick…but I just said I was tired….I fought the fight!!! My sister starting arriving later and later to relieve me from being with mom at Hospice. When I spoke with her she tried to get the rest of my brothers against me saying that I didn’t want to help our mother. My oncologist wanted me to tell my family and couldn’t believe I was working throughout my treatment. My sister threatened to take mom’s dog to the Humane Society. My moms dog was with me for the journey… he was the ‘Hospice’ Dog. My sister not only showed lack of compassion or caring…she also told relatives some story…I still don’t know what, but I was told by a relative ‘I can’t believe what you did to my aunt?’ I asked what I did and I was told ‘ I don’t want to get involved’. I know My mom appreciated everything I did. She died holding my hand and said, ‘I’m sorry. I love you’. That was her gift to me for the sacrifices she knew nothing about. I cry as I type this because I don’t understand how any person or thing could treat anyone the way my sister did. After mom’s death I told my brothers about my cancer diagnosis and treatment. None of us desire to have any contact with my sister.
I’m so sorry you had all these challenges. You sound like an amazing Caregiver Warrior and an inspiration to us all. It never ceases to amaze me how resilient and resolved caregivers like you are. My thoughts are with you and I’m sending you much love and appreciation!
You are blessed to bave a sister to help in this situation. I have 5 siblings and we’re all spread apart and living pur own lives. However, my brother in Iowa helps me by providing comic relief and distraction from caregiving by letting me talk to my nephews and niece. My youngest brother lives in the same state as I do but is a caregiver for his own father. His plate is just as full as mine but our bond is strengthened because we are on the same journey. Sometimes being helped by relatives doesn’t have to be monetary or hands on sometimes you just need an ear to listen.
You are so right about how helpful a good listener can be! Man, that kid of support is so precious. And I love the comic relief! Another great resource. Thanks so much for sharing and all that you do. Much love!
What a blessing to have that kind of support and relationship with your sister. I worked as an Advocate in a care setting. I was the one who welcomed new residents, helped families get them settled and worked through the family dynamics through the time they lived there. Families almost always loved their parent who lived with us, but they didn’t always get along, and that made it difficult for all. When families worked together and supported each other, the quality of life for the elder was so improved! Congratulations to you both.
Thank you! What wonderful work you do. I have had wonderful experiences with Patient Advocates during my caregiving journey and they saved my life!
My sister and I truly realize how blessed we are. I hear from so many others that are not as lucky. It’s so hard when the support and respect isn’t there for the whole family. Everyone suffers. I pray families can reconcile and find each other. It’s my hope that the love they have for those they care for can bring them together. Thanks so much for your feedback. I’m honored to have you here and thank you again for your work and all you do!