Caregivers are built to serve. We can withstand hurricane-level disruption, Herculean challenges, the worst scenarios imaginable and heartache beyond our wildest nightmares. We are dedicated to protecting and ensuring the health and well being of those we care for.
More often than not, this commitment takes a toll on us that is overpowering and all-consuming. Sadly, most of us respond to this price we pay, quietly and in silence. After all, this is not about us, is it? The cost is most certainly worth it if those we love and care for feel better, safer, more comfortable. Our job is to give to others, not take for ourselves.
Caregivers suffer in silence. It hurts everyone they come in contact with.
This rationale and the almost universal tendency of caregivers to suffer in silence, disregarding our own needs, wants and suffering is not only dangerous to our well being, in the long run, it also threatens those we care for. It hurts everyone involved. The damage done to us contaminates and weakens our ability to be there for others.
I struggled with this issue constantly until I hit a wall of burnout. I had no idea anything was wrong with me until I felt like a mac truck hit me, causing my head and body to erupt in pain, panic, and fatigue. I was so busy concentrating on the needs of my parents that I refused to contemplate the fears, discomfort, and exhaustion I was feeling. I had no time for my needs or feelings so I shoved them to the side or stuffed them. I disregarded warning signals because this wasn’t about me, this was about them. My feelings were irrelevant, selfish and unwarranted. I needed to be strong, resilient and courageous no matter what was happening. Being powerful, unrelenting and my parents’ champion was my job. Being a wimp had no place in my life. My human reactions and emotions were signs of failure.
Stuffing my feelings headed me right into burnout.
That is until I broke down. I was suddenly overwhelmed with confusion, dread, and panic. I felt guilty and all of sudden unable to carry on. I had suffered in silence and it almost killed me. I felt devastated because it was as though I was staring failure right in the face. I somehow equated being giving and caring for others with being careless with myself.
If I had learned one thing in my life up to that point it was the value and necessity of communication. I will discuss anything with anybody. We are all great expounders in my family and I had learned to take that inherited trait and use it to search for truth. Why I hadn’t used this life long habit to communicate my caregiver truth is beyond me. I will chalk it up to the feeling so many of us have that talking about my feelings and needs as a caregiver was something I was not entitled to nor deserved.
Reaching out saved my life.
Burnout leveled the playing field and I used the only thing I knew to save the game. I reached out to talk about what I was feeling. My life changed instantly. I found love and support from another caregiver. I was not alone, crazy or a bad caregiver. I had just fallen into the trap so many of us fall into. By suffering in silence, stuffing my feelings and standing alone I had come dangerously close to the edge of the cliff. Reaching out, opening up and connecting with someone else pulled me safely back to safe ground. I sat there for quite a while but got back up again vowing I would never let my silence strangle me again.
Don’t be a near casualty like I was. Don’t wait until the weight of the world on your shoulders threatens to bring you down to your knees and crush you. Suffering in silence is a risky decision. Nothing makes you more vulnerable to the dangers of caregiver burnout than silence. Connection, communication, and self-caring are the beacons of light that will guide you to physical and emotional safety.
We all need to feel heard and validated.
You need to know and understand that what you are feeling and thinking is completely normal, legitimate and experienced by so many others. You need to be validated. You need to truly understand you are like so many of us, tired, scared and confused. There is power in knowing you are not alone. And strength in sharing that with others. When we connect and communicate we help each other. Those who speak and those who listen. It is a circle of giving and reminds us all that we have chosen the right path and we can travel it together. It helps those who speak find hope and those who listen be reminded of the faith that got them through the rough places in the road. It helps us hit the reset button. It clears our minds and opens a window in our hearts. Being open and vulnerable breaks through the fear and loneliness and lets us find our strength again. If you want to go fast go alone. If you want to go far go together.
So silence be damned. Don’t be a victim or a martyr. Don’t suffer in silence. Connect and communicate and control the rest of your journey. Because when you are centered, calm and grounded you are giving those you love and care for a better you. One that can be healthy, strong and resilient. That’s what you both really need.
It’s extremely difficult to find someone who is willing to listen to you fully. I mean, really, who wants to hear about your troubles and challenges. Most people feel that they have to solve them instead of just listening and empathizing with you. I’ve been a caregiver for my special needs son for well over two decades. I’ve lost all of my friends and if wasn’t for social media I would be sunk. Since our world revolves around caregiving, what conversation could we have that doesn’t include that? So, sure, I’d love to be able to talk about my struggles but there are no ears that really are willing to listen. I’m just being honest here.
And thank you for your honesty. I understand your dilemma since there have been times in my life when I relied on my chosen family instead of my family of origin. I do applaud your connection to other caregivers on social media, and know that when you are sharing your story it not only lets lets you connect but inspires other caregivers there. I found that anywhere caregivers gathered, I felt at home. No one understands us like other caregivers. In addition, I was one of those people who didn’t know how to just listen, I always felt I had to fix someone. I finally learned that just listening is sometimes the greatest gift. I’m getting better at it.
I hear you and completely understand. I too try to express how I feel and everyone automatically tells me what I’m doing wrong and then tells me what I should be doing. It’s extremely frustrating and I stopped trying to express myself because it made it worse.
I too wanted to stop expressing myself because people would try and fix me. I understand their need to try and make me feel better but it wasn’t what I wanted or needed. For some of them, I was able to tell them that I just needed to vent and have them listen and that the best thing they could say to me was, I’m so sorry, that must be tough! For others, I learned that I was going to the hardware store for oranges and they were not the people who could hear me and support me, so I no longer went to them. I sought out other caregivers who understood what I was going through and could support me without judging or trying to fix me. There is nothing like talking to another caregiver! Sharing our stories is such a healing process and we realize we are not alone. Please don’t give up seeking out people who can hear you and witness your journey. You deserve to be heard and have a safe place to share your feelings. Don’t give up until you find it! You are brave and amazing and not alone!
Thank you for uncovering a very covered health and wellness problem.
Thank you Dr. Ruth! I pray more caregivers learn they can speak up, share their stories and ask for help!
I appreciate this article. I too am a caregiver; however, my mom has partially recovered from a stroke of many years ago and still lives with me. I still have to help her out. However, because of this I started being that listening ear to caregivers. God has given me so much wisdom in my caregiver’s mission and Yes, you are right, please reach out to someone of like-mindedness. Recently in prayer the Lord placed on my heart to reach out to caregivers who are suffering in silences reminding me of my silent experience before I reached out to Him. (it was no joke. I didn’t even realize how much my life was altered until then) We need to talk and I would also advise professional help if you’re able. Either way, do reach out, for health sake. You have a voice and like-minded people are happy to share your experience.
Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing your story. It’s so inspirational and helps all of us when we hear other caregivers’ stories!