I wrote this blog some time ago. People have been telling me it strikes a chord with them, so I’m re-posting it in the hopes that it might help more caregivers. Taking care of family members can bring up all kinds of history and baggage. It did for me. Here’s my story..
My relationship with my Mom greatly influenced my caregiver role. We were not the best of friends. Although I loved her dearly, I didn’t really enjoy spending time with her. She could be difficult and had quite a temper. She did not bring out the best in me. I dreaded trying to help her since she gave me such a hard time about it. My Mom would scream at me to leave her alone and the little girl inside of me still got scared. My Mom made me nervous and edgy.
I wondered how I was going to show up for her when she upset me so much. I had made the commitment and would honor it but knew I was in trouble and struggling. I saw the writing on the wall. I had to figure this out and fast.
Something had to change.
I love the saying that if you become hysterical it’s historical. It was time for me to move away from all the anger and resentment I had from childhood and forgive her. Although we had all this history together, we were no longer the same people we used to be and the past was over. I had grown up and she was rapidity slipping away, becoming someone I didn’t always recognize or understand.
Her Dementia made her even more anxious and volatile. She couldn’t change and it was unfair and ridiculous to ask or expect her to. I was the one who had to change. I began to examine and work on seeing my part.
By looking at how I interacted with her I began to see a pattern. I would approach her on pins and needles and the minute she would get snarky I would get snarky back. We played off each other. I always fanned the fire. The negative and angry energy was destructive and unnecessary.
Dementia leveled the playing field.
I truly think that watching her decline and become so confused and helpless was the last straw. I could finally see how ridiculous it was to hold resentments, try and have the last word, and hold on to the need to prove how right I was. We loved each other. Why couldn’t I give both of us a break and stop trying to be so self-righteous and injured?
I slowly but surely began to see her as she was and not how she used to be or what I needed her to be. She was this fragile, heartbroken, suffering being that needed love and comfort. My old anger and resentment had no place here. It was time to let it go.
It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t an overnight success. But it happened. I had less need to be right or a victim. I let go of the old stuff. I began to realize she did the best she could and it was now time for me stop making it all about me. It was time to shut up and put up. It was time to help both of us hit the re-start button. I forgave her.
Miracles happen!
The miraculous thing is that once the ice began to melt and forgiveness seeped in, I was able to be more understanding and accepting of her behavior. It looked less like something I caused and more like something she was suffering from. I found compassion and even the ability to spend quality time together. I began to appreciate who she really was even as I was losing her.
This miraculous process of forgiveness and acceptance has given me my life back. I faced the world in a new way. I had someone lose their temper and raise their voice to me recently. Immediately, it brought me right back to my childhood. I was that 6 years old little girl facing the anger of my Mom. My trauma center was triggered. Thankfully, as I have worked on this part of my life, I recognized my discomfort as an old friend. I now have tools to bring me back into the present where I can face this type of confrontation without ruining my whole day or taking it on. I know to do everything I can to stay in my body and respond instead of react.
I still get shook up and it’s really unpleasant for me, but it doesn’t take me a week to get over it. I know I’m not 6 years old anymore and I have new and effective ways to cope. I also know that people expressing anger like that comes from pain and fear and not because of me or something I did. It’s about them and not me.
Although I do remember the anger of my childhood, it’s no longer something I need to hold on to. Now it’s something that’s familiar and admittedly one of my least favorite things, but it’s also something I’ve conquered and replaced with good memories and lots of love. The new Mom that Dementia gave me broke my heart but saved my soul. She taught me how to forgive. And forgiveness is a wondrous gift.
Wow Sue I am so glad for you that you have come to this understanding. I remember how “snarky” you were about her. My mother and I too have had our “moments” but in spite of it I always felt the love. The problem was that my mother’s love was so intense you could easily get burned by it. She never and to this day still does not realize how strong and sometimes overpowering her love can be. I have been thinking lately that I might write about it sometime because while she can be difficult as hell sometimes, she has always been one of the strongest, empathetic and generous people I have ever known. And even now as her advanced age has taken it’s toll and weakened her body, the firey spirit is still there. We are so fortunate that she has had very little mental decline. So she can still rail at the injustices and other annoyances that always were the object of her attention. She just gets tired faster when engaged in a tirade about something she finds objectionable. I tell my sister to let her rant about something in the news or whatever
It’s good for her. It makes her feel like she is still alive. So although I usually don’t have enough energy for the arguments, I don’t mind. My role is easy. I just listen and let her win. She always thinks she has anyway,so it’s okay. I’m glad you figured that out too with your mom.
My role is easy, I just listen and win is the best comment ever. Such a brilliant strategy. It’s not a easy one always but always effective. Great advice!
That is a very hard situation to be in . I totally ungersrand though
It can be quite a journey!
I am new to this site but not new to caregiving. My husband had a massive stroke 32 years ago, was OK for several years and now he needs more help and I am 32 years older and can’t remember everything.
My depression keeps me from doing everyday things, but I do do his pills and diabetes shots pretty much every time he eats. Everything is on me. I am trying to get some help for myself and some respite care for me.
Leslee, my prayers and thoughts are with you. I am so glad you are reaching out to get help and respite. You deserve all the help you can get, especially since you have been a Warrior for so many years. I’m am so inspired by your story and I’m sure everyone else who reads it is. I hope you know how amazing and special you are!
Please take care of yourself. The flight attendant on an airline always instruct you to put the oxygen mask on FIRST before helping others. Sounds selfish until you realize you are no good for others if you are not good yourself. I’ve learned the hard way. You really are a hero!
I love that airplane reference! It’s so so true!
I saw your blog post on twitter, and it immediately caught my attention. I too, was in a similar situation with my mother. She had Parkinson’s with dementia, and left this world almost 8 years ago. Caregiving is a tough road to travel, but I will always be grateful that I made the decision long ago to care for her. In the end, it saved me. In fact, I recently published a memoir about my personal life journey, our mother/daughter relationship, the caregiving years, and our last days together. It was a life changing experience that I will always remember and draw strength from. God bless you for having the courage to share your story!
Wow! I completely relate to your story and I’m so happy you had the same blessing I did taking care of your Mom. It was such a healing experience and taught me so much about my Mom jand myself. Best thing I ever did. Thanks so much for sharing you story and memoir. It can make a difference for so many people!
Hi Susanne. I had the exact same experience as you, except my Mom truly was Wonder Woman. When I was young if I complemented her on something she had done really well (fresh bread, making a meal from scratch, mending a rip in my clothes, her cookie making skills, her always thinking of others before herself) I ran the risk of my complement encouraging her to do EVEN MORE! and if I said nothing, I think it made her try even harder to earn a complement. Not only was I in a damned if I do or don’t situation, even talking about it now makes me feel like a jerk since woe poor me wasn’t doing the work, she was!
So when Dementia happened, the entire arc of our relationship slowly evolved and I connect 100% with with what you discovered.
I wince when I hear Dementia called a death sentence, or so horrible it must be eradicated at all costs. I found just as you did, it was an entirely fulfilling experience that I will never regret.
You Mom sounds amazing, and I’m so happy you found the journey caring for her as rewarding and miraculous as I did. I always say it was the hardest yet best thing I have ever done in my life. Thanks so much for reaching out reminding me of that. Our stories are so important and so often help other caregivers. Much love.