I am in a caregiving situation I came to reluctantly. Actually, I went into it eyes wide open or so I thought, but now that the day to day challenges are here, I find myself anxious, hanging back and reluctant.
What to do? In my heart I want to show up for those I love and actually love it when I’m in the middle of it but I realize I have felt this way before and I know many people feel the same. It’s really ok not to be bright eyed and bushy tailed all the time about caregiving. Here are three things that can help to chase away that feeling of dread about the caregiving role we’ve chosen.
1. Give your self a break
Take it easy on yourself. Every caregiver in the world has at some time felt discouraged and frustrated and just wants to throw in the towel. It’s absolutely normal and human to feel this way. There is nothing wrong with having these feeling.s Give yourself a break. Don’t feel guilty about such normal, predictable and legitimate emotions. The caregiving journey is difficult, overwhelming, and challenging. All of us feel at some point we can’t or don’t want to go on. Yet because we are so caring about others we get up, brush ourselves off and face the day time and time again. Treating ourselves with kindness and understanding makes the discomfort feel as appropriate as it is and allows us to move through it. Remember this is a process, not an event.
2. You don’t have to love it
No one said we had to be happy go lucky every moment and every day of the week. This stuff is hard. I will never say we shouldn’t laugh or lose our sense of humor but caregiving is never easy and there are always things about it that we are not going to like or that scare us to death. We don’t have to love it all the time or act as though we love it all the time. We just have to be authentic and caring to both ourselves and those we care for. It’s helpful to take a step back and take a good look at the service we are providing and to acknowledge that we are truly making a difference in someone’s life. Caring for others carries with it a feeling of great fulfillment. Offering comfort and love to others brings a sense of joy and peace. That’s the part of caregiving that feels right and provides a sense of deep satisfaction. Pretending it’s easy or that we are doing it perfectly is silly and pits pressure on us.
3. Invest in self-care
Everything feels better when you are rested, eating healthy meals and snacks, are socializing with like-minded people who care about you and you are getting help when you need it. Everything looks better when we are nurtured and relaxed. Although there are constant challenges, when we consider the effects caregiving can have on us we can make adjustments in our own life to satisfy our needs to meet those challenges. The phrase “looking out for number one” makes self-care sound selfish. The reality is that self-care is not a luxury. Self-care is a critical part of caregiving and makes the difference between hysterical, painful responses and clear thinking, practical responses. Having our emotional and physical gas tanks full can make a bad situation tolerable and even positive.
So the next time you are feeling like the reluctant caregiver, treat yourself with understanding and respect. You need a moment to regroup and recharge. And you don’t have to love all the things about caregiving, just yourself and those you care for.
Until you have been a caregiver you have no idea what it entails. The hardest and most frustrating position I have ever been in.
I know exactly what you mean! It’s an intense experience. It’s why I try to spread the word about caring for yourself as you care for others. My thoughts are with you!
I care for my 88 year old Mom and it’s so so hard. She is still in her right mind but her body is breaking down. Frustration on her part leads to some really bad moments for me. I’m getting better at taking care of me but I’m still emotionally exhausted all the time. I just found your blog and hope reading it will help me. Thank you.
Linda, I hope something I went through and blog about helps a bit. I know that physical and mental exhaustion. My Mom’s fear and anger made her so difficult to deal with at times. My thoughts are with you…
This post was such a blessing to me. I care for my 89yr old grandmother ,who is blind and recently had a stroke , as well and my young daughter. It’s a lot. Lots of stress, pressure, I’m emotionally and physically tired all the time. And because I’m in my 30’s most of my friends don’t understand what I’m going through.
I am always so inspired by young caregivers. You are so courageous and amazing. I pray you can find some moments to recharge and someone to support you in this journey you are on. I think you are so special and wonderful. Please know you are not alone.
Susanne, I’ve just discovered your blog and I’m finding it so comforting. I’ve been a full-time caregiver for my 93 year-old mother-in-law for about a year now. She’s a wonderful person but she’s also demanding, cranky, and obstinate, especially when she doesn’t feel well or she’s in pain, and she’s happy to inflict her misery on anyone close… and that’s usually me. I love her dearly and we’ve always had an easy relationship; I thought I went into this with my eyes wide open, but I was naiive about just how difficult it is to have another adult who’s fully dependent. I’m often surprised by how intensely frustrated, angry and resentful I feel and, as I read your posts, I’m seeing how in trying to do everything best for her, I’m often actually part of the problem. Your insight and advice are truly hitting the mark, and I’ve found a few things here I can put to good use right away that I hope will make us both happier. Thank you!
Thank me Jan for your kind words. Isn’t it amazing how no matter how prepared we think we are it can still be so intense and difficult. I bet you are the best Caregiver ever. You sound like you are so loving and also self aware. A great combo for a Caregiver Warrior! I am thinking of you…
Thanks, Susanne. Most days I worry this is bigger than I am and I just won’t be able to do it. I’m a little embarrassed to admit I also find myself grieving the loss of peace and freedom in my life… selfishly, I often feel like I traded all the good stuff for days filled with icky tasks that aren’t even appreciated. I don’t want to make this about me. I’m working on my attitude and am trying to stay focused on why I stepped up to this plate in the first place. One day at a time, right?
Yes! One day at a time. I remember feeling exactly the same thing about my life and the loss of peace and freedom and I believe feeling that way is completely appropriate and normal. It’s such a sacrifice to care for others and there are times when we must grieve. You do it because you were born a Caregiver Warrior and for you that feeds your heart and soul. You are allowed to get tired and discourage. That’s when you must be gentle and kind to yourself and know you are an angel!
I am a caregiver of a man who 7 yrs ago when we moved in together. Was an avid obcessive golfer..a goer and a doer..6 mon later he had a mini stroke..his bladder is overactive..his hearing started to be poor..his grasp of speech and comprehension was now poor also…now he has a hearing aid. After much arguing he finally went to a hearing clinic..great when he uses it…bladder problem is his excuse to not travel or visit or have people in..his pride has stopped him from golf and because he does nothing…15 hrs a day watching tv..
Seriously…wont even go for brief walks.
.got him on anti depressants this summer and his anger is less…I feel trapped …he has all the money..I pay the bills..but he has the purse strings..I literally do everything…not true he does the garbage..I am so resentful of his choosing to do nothing…he could but he is so lazy…I could scream
You are a true Caregiver Warrior. I’m so glad you reached out because reaching out, I believe, is one of our greatest Caregiver tools. Dealing with the depression anger and fear of those we care for can be agonizing. You are not alone in this struggle. I found talking to other Caregivers, therapist and getting involved in support groups allowed me to feel less isolated, lost and alone. I couldn’t change those I cared for but I could change the way I was feeling by taking care of me and getting help from others. I’m sending lots of love to you in the difficult time.