I was surprised by many things when I committed to caring for my parents but what surprised me most were the gifts of caregiving I received over and over again. I was surprised not only because they were unexpected but because they were so life changing and joyous. I went into the experience one person and came out of it another.
As I have seen in other Caregivers, my experience brought out the best in me. I continue, to this day, to reap the benefits of what I learned about myself and everyone around me.
The first of these gifts was getting to really know myself. In order to cope with the intensity of role reversals, constant worry, new responsibilities, and exhausting schedule and duties, I was forced to re-think my life, how I did things, and what was really important to me. I began to become self-aware.
It was through this self-awareness that I began to understand not only things about myself and how I reacted to the world around me but about old patterns I had with my parents, especially my Mom.
The first few months I began caring for my parents were rough and not at all pretty. I was completely lost and could not find my balance. I continued to swoop in, try to control everything, and insisted on my way or the highway. It wasn’t working and we were all miserable.
I was smart enough to know that since they were both in their 80’s and my Mom was diagnosed with dementia any changes that were going to be made had to be on my end. I needed to do some soul searching and really pay attention to my actions, my responses, my behavior and what I was really feeling.
I was the one who needed to change.
Looking hard at myself was not easy and I wasn’t a happy camper about it, but being forced to admit that even though I usually behaved out of concern for my parents well being, I was a control freak that was unwilling to compromise. It wasn’t intentional nor mean spirited but my fear, frustration and worry that I wasn’t a good caregiver and I wouldn’t be able to pull it off threatened to prevent me from giving the care they really needed instead the care I insisted on giving.
Trying to be perfect and trying to control everything has haunted me all my life. I did it without even realizing it. Finally when my caregiving role forced me to look in the mirror and do some soul searching I was able to see how much my perfectionism and need to control was not only hurting my ability to care for someone else, it was hurting me and making me feel bad about myself, worry unnecessarily and exhaust me.
Goodbye perfectionism and control!
So I began to watch myself and how I was acting and what I was thinking. I began to give myself a break and not be so hard on myself. I started to allow myself to be human and make mistakes, realizing no one was perfect. I began to ease up on stuff and tried to let go of my need to control everything. I began to see that most things were beyond my control anyway.
Slowly but surely I found ways to let things go, get support from others, be open to change and go with the flow! All the ingredients for a safer, healthier, more graceful life.
Who knew I would find out so much about myself and how to find a better quality of life because I was caring for the lives of others. This gift of self awareness came at the most surprising time in my life, when I least expected it but needed it the most. It made me a better person, daughter and caregiver and gave me at times, a serenity I had not known before. Such a precious gift indeed!
This is so incredibly insightful, CW. I appreciate your insights into this process no one wants to participate in, yet so many of us are thrust into. Thank you!
It really is a process! An intense, devastating yet amazing one! I hope your journey is safe and filled with gifts along the way.